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There is NO comfort in my zone

It’s always been a constant struggle in my life of what do I want?

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Some days I am completely certain and other days I can spend hours envying over my friends and what they have accomplished. Sometimes, not even my friends- complete strangers.

Growing up I believed by the age of 25 I would have been in a committed relationship and on the road to marriage. Now that I am approaching 25 I feel like I have not accomplished a fraction of what my 7 year old imagination had planned. For the past 2 years I had been fighting to keep a relationship that I am not sure I even wanted. I was in love and there is no denying that, but I had such a desire to grow in other aspects of my life then just being a partner in my relationship. It’s not that I wanted to be free from this to pursue other people, but mainly that there comes a point where you realize your differences are too great, and sadly you both have a different idea of the bigger picture. After 8 years of dating things came to an end. My 7 year old self was traumatized that I wasn’t going to live out my imaginary tale of marrying my high school boyfriend, and that 25 is too young to be married (for me).

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It has taken me about 7 months of fighting that inner child and letting go of her dreams to see that what I really want is yet to come. The most powerful thing I have learned from this experience is I have to be scared. At first I tried to replace what I had with dating other people to give myself a sense of security, but the problem is when you love someone for that long.. It’s hard to just pretend like something is real when in reality you know the real deal.

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So that leaves us at today. Which I am still dreading 25 , but I also realize there are so many opportunities left out there for me, and I need to exit my comfort zone. I consider myself to have a serious case of anti-social. It’s not because I don’t like people (it actually is atleast 50%) but also because I don’t do small talk. Even when I try it seems so forced and not genuine, and my biggest problem is I hate attention.

 

Which leaves me to why I am so afraid of not succeeding at the dream jobs I desire.

I look at the women I admire, and they seem so fearless, witty, and relatable. Women such as Lena Dunham and Shonda Rhimes who are show runners, writers, and actors (not Shonda) to such quality television makes me proud as a woman, but insecure at my own abilities as a writer. Can I do more then just day dream about that Emmy? That Globe?

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Truthfully, the only way to be successful is by fear. Fear that you won’t succeed, but keep trying and fighting to will only help you push yourself to those boundaries. I don’t think great story telling can come from all Sunny Days. You have to live and feel pain too, and I was fortunate enough to experience love. Now I get the opportunity to experience living without it, and being able to be fearful, vulnerable, and alone which will only help me expand & understand my writing.

The journey of life continues, ride out the pain, and the beauty of life is even if you feel like you’re dying.. that heart keeps beating just the same. 

Embrace the ME not the We

I know there are very few ladies out there that enjoy being single. I also know plenty that are wild and happy singles, but in reality Why else would we go out? Yeah, of course we love our  lady friends and girl time, but we all still have the hopes of meeting someone interesting too. Some of us suffer from lilly padding from one serious thing to the next. Which brings me to if you’re newly single enjoy being a ME when the opportunity is there.

As someone who is a lillypad hopper… I realized after my break up I didn’t even know what I wanted because what I thought I wanted wasn’t my reality anymore. Now that I’ve been single for 6 months I can’t really imagine giving it up that easily.

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1. I REALLY love my friends.

It’s very common to ignore your friends once you meet someone new because it does take a lot of time and effort in a fresh relationship. I love hanging out with my friends and at this point I can’t split my time.

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2. You were probably more interesting until I got to know you.

Having a casual conversation and covering the bases on the surface of their life he/she might seem great. But after a month I’m going to realize you aren’t as cool and interesting as I thought you would be… It’s like when you read the back of a book and get so excited upon purchase then it has no development and sucky ending. (Don’t online date)

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3. I’m not really interested in our friends meeting.

There is always a birthday party that they are invited to and you’re the plus one. Everyone knows each other and then I come off as the anti-social bitch. Suffering from social anxiety and large groups of strangers.. I need a freaking roofie please.

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4. Not really into seeing your place.

This goes both ways. Many people that I know that find living habits the deal breaker. Mine is always roommates. I understand the cost of living is a struggle. However, you having roommates is equivalent to living at home. It feels like being 18 again tip toeing into your place. I’m a grown woman if I want to tap dance in my heels  at 3 am on your hardwoods and not worry about waking up Sally. I also trip and run into walls frequently. Not suited for a quiet environment.

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5. Work issues.

I work in a film industry my schedule isn’t super flexible so if you’re available for lunch on a Tuesday… I probably will never have time for you. Work sometimes isn’t what drives people, but for some of us it’s priority #1.

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6. I don’t want a nickname.

Seriously, don’t call me baby. Hi – I am Sarah.

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7. Need my alone time. 

I talk to myself daily. It gets weird when other people are around while you are trying to have a conversation with yourself (Mainly, I talk to myself because my thoughts are so scattered that saying it out loud makes me focus on one topic). Sometimes it’s necessary to just hang out with your best friend – Yourself! Because if you can’t be alone with you, chances are no one else is going to enjoy one on one company either.

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I don’t mean to come off bitter or bashing on relationships. My friend’s currently  in relationships/married are amazing, and I fall under the spell of being super envious. My point is to  embrace the time you have alone because we can get caught up in the idea of being in a committed relationship, and settle for something we truly do not want. No matter what your stance is on relationships – THEY ARE WORK! It’s like the stairmaster, it doesn’t matter if you are on level 1 you will break a sweat. So spend time stretching and breathing before you dive in deep.

 

Don’t sell yourself cheap… breathe, relax, and have fun! 
Patience is a virtue which most of us do not possess.

Written by: Ordinary Lady Sarah
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I have given up on being original and accepted I’m an extra dose of ordinary.
Consider myself a creator of false worlds working on the TV show Revenge in the Set Decorating Department.
There will never come a time in my life where I believe women shouldn’t be helping women.
Started blogging because being opinionated on my facebook status was getting old.