It’s always been a constant struggle in my life of what do I want?
Some days I am completely certain and other days I can spend hours envying over my friends and what they have accomplished. Sometimes, not even my friends- complete strangers.
Growing up I believed by the age of 25 I would have been in a committed relationship and on the road to marriage. Now that I am approaching 25 I feel like I have not accomplished a fraction of what my 7 year old imagination had planned. For the past 2 years I had been fighting to keep a relationship that I am not sure I even wanted. I was in love and there is no denying that, but I had such a desire to grow in other aspects of my life then just being a partner in my relationship. It’s not that I wanted to be free from this to pursue other people, but mainly that there comes a point where you realize your differences are too great, and sadly you both have a different idea of the bigger picture. After 8 years of dating things came to an end. My 7 year old self was traumatized that I wasn’t going to live out my imaginary tale of marrying my high school boyfriend, and that 25 is too young to be married (for me).
It has taken me about 7 months of fighting that inner child and letting go of her dreams to see that what I really want is yet to come. The most powerful thing I have learned from this experience is I have to be scared. At first I tried to replace what I had with dating other people to give myself a sense of security, but the problem is when you love someone for that long.. It’s hard to just pretend like something is real when in reality you know the real deal.
So that leaves us at today. Which I am still dreading 25 , but I also realize there are so many opportunities left out there for me, and I need to exit my comfort zone. I consider myself to have a serious case of anti-social. It’s not because I don’t like people (it actually is atleast 50%) but also because I don’t do small talk. Even when I try it seems so forced and not genuine, and my biggest problem is I hate attention.
Which leaves me to why I am so afraid of not succeeding at the dream jobs I desire.
I look at the women I admire, and they seem so fearless, witty, and relatable. Women such as Lena Dunham and Shonda Rhimes who are show runners, writers, and actors (not Shonda) to such quality television makes me proud as a woman, but insecure at my own abilities as a writer. Can I do more then just day dream about that Emmy? That Globe?
Truthfully, the only way to be successful is by fear. Fear that you won’t succeed, but keep trying and fighting to will only help you push yourself to those boundaries. I don’t think great story telling can come from all Sunny Days. You have to live and feel pain too, and I was fortunate enough to experience love. Now I get the opportunity to experience living without it, and being able to be fearful, vulnerable, and alone which will only help me expand & understand my writing.
The journey of life continues, ride out the pain, and the beauty of life is even if you feel like you’re dying.. that heart keeps beating just the same.